|An 11 week ultrasound (not mine.)|
Right now though, I have an uneasiness I can't explain. Its been years since I have been through any kind of depression. When I was younger I always let my emotions and my circumstances dictate whether or not my life was worth living, in my mind atleast. I was always a victim to outside forces, everything was beyond my control. Now, thankfully I have the gift of perspective that grows each year. I have maturity to thank and a deeper faith to lean on. Plus, I have a great life. Really. I can't complain - too much.
So its March and I am uneasy. Then I remember. March is the month I was due with my very first baby. I was 29. It took my husband and I a year to conceive plus fertility medication. I was cautiously optimistic. We made it to 11 weeks I think. Some of the details have become fuzzy. I do however remember quite distinctly the pain and the change in who I was that took place when I lost that baby. I have since lost three more but the happy ending is that I have 5 healthy kids too. I never would have believed it if you told me I would end up with such a big family.
That first baby, it turns out, had a strange and rare condition called Tetraploidy. It had four sets of chromosomes. Learning that did bring a slight relief in knowing there wasn't a darn thing I could have done differently to help it along. It was doomed from day one. Isn't it weird? That a body would go through the trouble of responding to a pregnancy test, feeling nauseous, getting a little rounder and all along the baby never even had a heartbeat. Why did it take so long to let me know something wasn't right?
It really hurt - mentally and physically losing that baby. I think it was a boy. He would be turning 10 right about now. Maybe even today. I don't want to give the impression that I sit around trying to find things to be sad about or that I weep for those babies day in and day out because I don't. I have perspective and joy and too much darn laundry to leave much time for that indulgence. I do however, remember them often, look forward to meeting them and wonder if they know my sister and grandparents who are sharing eternity with them already. I do wonder what they would have looked like, sounded like, how they would have made me smile and cry. Of course then I remember, if they were here -
I know and love five sweet kids who would not be and my life would be so much different without them in it. That takes away the sadness. There really is a plan.