A Moment of Joy.



Photo by David Beaulieu




I love those little things that happen, probably everyday, we fail to notice because we have our ipods on too loud or Fox News is on 24/7 or you have say 5 children who inherited a talking gene from there momma.  Those little things that let you know there is something else out there.  We are not alone.  Life is not finite.  Are they just wishful thinking or really signs?

I will keep this brief because talking about it too much seems to cheapen it.  It was so simple but gave me immense joy.  Mom called to talk to my kids as we had just returned from vacation.  Someone handed me the phone and she had something happy to share.

My father is an avid gardener.  He is a hodge-podger.  A little of this, a little of that.  It doesn't necessarily go together or make sense to an outsider but he grows what he likes when and where he likes it.  Flowers, vegetables, herbs here and there tucked around the steep hill outside his mountain home.  It keeps him busy and out of mom's hair.  He is good at it.  It's organized chaos to him.  So when a random flower popped up in the middle of his garden that didn't match the rest of his chaos, it didn't seem a big deal but Dad likes to know the different species and why would this one single flower pop up in the middle of his intentionally planted array of other vegetation?
A friend came by and looked at the flower and told them the flower that matched no others in the garden was named - a Becky.

****Note - in case you don't know, my sister's name was Becky.  She passed away at age 39, two years ago. 

A few thoughts on Hbot dive #1

Well, we did it.  We dove.  It.  Was.  Awful for me that is.  She had no problems until it got hot and muggy about half way through.  Then she was bored and hot and started to fidget.  But back to the beginning.  Unbelievably I had quite an experience.  It started out ok.  I am not panicky.  I have never had claustrophobia, I ride roller coasters and am not skittish.  I had a mini freak out when the Dr. zipped it shut.  Its cylindrical in shape and about 7 feet long so we had room to lay down or sit up.  it has to inflate and that takes 5 min and it makes your ears pop like when you drive up in the mtns.  Not uncomfortable though.  I had to turn around and look out the vinyl window to see the Dr and I just thought "I can't do this, I won't be able to get out.!"  Terror welled up inside me as well as panic and guilt because I paid a lot for this (we are skipping our summer vacation at the beach) and I love her and want to be able to bear anything to help her, even my own discomfort.  The shame of losing momentary control was immense.  It was mostly in my head thankfully, I didn't scream but I did insist she unzip the chamber and let me stick my head out and think for a second.  She said it happens sometimes but most always with the parents, the kids are fine.  And that was true.  Doodle thought it was funny.  She happily read books most of the time, or laid in my lap.
 I psyched myself up and told the Dr we would try again.  I laid down and did the only thing I could think of that might help.  I prayed.  I started saying the Rosary.  Now I am Catholic and that may be foreign to some of you but let me tell you - if you have ever been in a moment of intense fear and have nothing to cling to but prayer it helps to have something repetitive or meditative to say because you can't find the words that may be in your heart or head at the moment.  Just get yourself to that place of peace that surpasses human understanding as fast as possible.  I hate to sound dramatic.  I certainly don't live my normal life like this but I want to be honest about this whole process and this is really what happened.  It worked, I asked God and Virgin Mary to calm me and Pauli and to get me through it for her sake.  I was able to have my phone in with me and that helped. I could call my husband, a friend or the Dr in the next room. 

I started reading, time went by.  It felt good and relaxing for a while.  Then it began to be oppressively hot and sticky due to the pressure.  I had a small fan but I directed it at her to keep her cool mostly.  She got bored and agitated.  I started panicking again . . . I thought "She is going to flip out and want to get out, I wonder if she is feeling what I felt at the beginning?"  I had to get out.  I prayed again, harder and slowly the panic subsided. I imagined a clock in my head counting down the time.  Theoretically I knew we were safe and that there would be an end soon.  But what did she think?  Did she think we would never get out again?  I can only imagine what she thought as she has never been able to tell me more than "sad" or "mad" and that has been very very recently.  I hate autism.  I hate it.

So I had an epiphany of sorts.  I always thought people who freak out about enclosed MRI's were kinda wimpy and needed to get over it.  My own mom had to have relaxing medication to get through it.  The Dr. told me to take a Benedryl before coming in tomorrow.  It hit me - my sister Becky, who passed last year, took a Benedryl every day of her life along with other medications like Zanax. She had panic attacks and phobias her whole life.  God I had been so unsympathetic!!  How could I be so harsh on her??  I am so sorry Becky.  I get it now.  I will never judge someone for their phobias again. I get it now.  You have zero control over it and can't talk yourself out of it.  Its a physical and psychological thing.  I get it now.  Wish I had understood then.  I'm sorry . . .

Mobile Bay and my Siblings

Here we all are. My brother, two sisters and my first nephew. I think this picture is about 10 years old judging by my nephews age. I am on the far right. The sister next to me is Becky, the one who passed away this week last spring. April was my favorite month. My quads were born in April. Its the beginning of spring, my favorite season. That's all changed, well, sortof. If you have to be reminded of a depressing event in your life, it might as well be during a beautiful season that is full of new life.

We are standing on the pier of my grandparents neighbors on Mobile bay. My grandparents have been gone for quite some time and so have the neighbors but the houses are still there and owned by cousins. I have some of the best memories of this place. There was nothing special about it besides its location. My father says the homes and lot were purchased by my grandparents back in the 1850's when he was in his 20's. . . just kidding Dad. I think it was the 1950's, for the huge some of 5000 dollars. Its a tiny house with an awesome view and needless to say it has gone up ginormously in price. It has been assaulted by many hurricanes over the year but still stands (with much, much renovation by my cousin's family who own it.)

I will never get those years back. I will never get my sister back. You just don't know when you are at a place, that its might be the last time you are there and you don't know when you look at a face that it to may never be in your sight again. Love your people, make sure to let them know you love them.