Selective Reduction - My view ( ie - aborting babies in a multiple pregnancy)

I am looking out my bedroom window in to the backyard below where my five children are whooping and hollering with joy on our much loved trampoline.  Its about 60 degrees on a sunny February afternoon.  Spring can sometimes come early in the south, really early and then slap us with a freak March snow storm. 

So I am watching them and as occasional sentimental moms sometimes do, I had a moment.  I have them more frequently as they get older because I know these elementary school years are flying by.  I will have exactly one year with all five children in the same school.  The quads will be in the fifth grade that year and the "baby" will be in kindergarten. 

I had a moment of "what if?" 
I looked at each of their laughing smiling faces and call to mind each of their personal gifts and weaknesses.  What  I love about each of them and what drives me crazy about each of them. 

I think about how nine years ago I sat in three different specialists offices hearing lectures/ recommendations on the "advantages," prudence, of selective reduction also known as abortion.  Scared, hormonal, newly pregnant with, at the time, five babies (the quads were quints until one miscarried at 8 weeks,) elated to be pregnant and afraid to breath wrong lest I have yet another miscarriage.  Feeling frail and vulnerable and listening to the experts telling me repeatedly that "it will increase the chances of survival for the remaining multiples" or "it really is expensive to raise that many babies"  Seriously?  Like I am going to weigh the pros and cons based on a cost per baby basis? Statistics of survival a slight maybe, money?  Not on your or their lives.


I respect doctors for their ability to heal and make life or death choices, for researching and developing surgeries, medicines and therapies to make peoples lives better but in this instance my fragile heart had to decide along with my husband if I should allow all the babies growing inside me to live or have a shot at it anyway.  I am Catholic by the way so it should have been an instant no to the doctors,  but it wasn't, I pondered the consequences of each choice.  I questioned the statistics. 

What were my chances of carrying four healthy babies to term with out the reduction? I asked the specialist who routinely performed these procedures. The figure I was given was 75%.  I thought that was a pretty darn good number considering there was a 100% chance of my living with guilt and regret if I had gone through with the procedure with or without babies in the end.  At the time there was a 25% chance of miscarrying one of all of the babies because of the procedure.  The reproductive specialist I was seeing informed me that, though she recommended the procedure, she did a have a quadruplet mother chose to abort two of her babies and end up losing the other two due to the procedure itself.  I still think about that mom sometimes.  I hope she ended up with a child to hold.  I can't imagine living with that guilt.

So I actually had a flash forward during one of these selective abortion lectures.  It was to a day like today, in fact let's say it actually was today - to myself at 40 years old watching my half grown beautiful, smart happy healthy annoying imperfectly perfect children and thinking which ones would it have been?  Which ones would be missing had I listened to all that advice?  I shudder each time it crosses my mind because I know which two would be missing and I will mostly likely never tell them.  I knew this day would come as it has in various forms over the last 9 years. 

All life is precious, leave it in the Father's hands.  I know there was a likely possibility that my story would not have had such a fairytale ending and let's be real, we are talking imperfect children here.  This is not one of those blogs that waxes poetic on the perfected perfection of my perfect children and my perfect husband and my perfect home.  I have various variables and complications they have each brought to my life over the years such as filthy carpets, hand print/crayon decorated walls, huge debt because those little suckers eat A LOT, IEPs for special needs to attend, various medications to purchase for them and for me, lots of tears, lots of frustration, lots of I can't stand this for one more second moments and yet here I am staring at them lovingly out my window, my heart full to bursting because I  know I made the right choice.  Maybe one of them will be the President of the United States one day or maybe a brilliant scientist who discovers a cure for all infertility thus allowing a new generation of moms to be spared from making this agonizing decision, or maybe they will just turn out to be nice good-hearted people.  The world needs those just as much as the former don't you think?

I know I can barely stand the thought of looking at them wondering how my life would be so different without the two the doctors wanted to "reduce."  I remember when my decision to forgo the procedure cemented firmly in my heart - "I worked so hard and prayed so hard to get those guys in there and you are NOT going to take them away from me.  Only God has that right."  I told my perinatologist that this is what I wanted and I wanted to make sure he was going to give his all to helping me carry the pregnancy as far as possible.  He assured me he would and he did a great job.  I still think fondly of him today. 

I made sure to take my four healthy babies back to see all the doctors who had encouraged me to reduce, when they were about 6 months old.  No longer looking tiny and fragile like preemies, they were happy and alive.  I wanted them to see that I made the right decision and to plant a seed of thought so that the next multiple mom they counseled would have the benefit of my evidence that sometimes the best decision wasn't what medical science determined but what a mom's heart tells her.

P.S. Feel free to view the evidence of my good decision by looking at the blog header above :)


*** I have a friend who made the decision to reduce her large pregnancy and my heart still aches for her.  I respect that she did what she felt was necessary at the time and should she read this I hope she knows I do not judge her or think less of her.  In fact I think she is fantastic, I just wish she had never been put in that horrible position.

Just when everything is going wrong . . .

Image from The National Post

I don't do well with writing unless I have a flash of inspiration and lately they have been sparse.  Busy, sick, half crazy and irritated  these describe my current situation.  But I got one this morning and I would like to share it with you because it was simple and profound as inspirations should be. 

Let me set up the scene for you.  I have been sick for 9 days.  Really sick like WTH sick.  I have blown my nose till my brains came out which may explain the problems I am having.  My husband was sick for a month before me and as soon as he got better - wouldn't you know it . . .

MY kids are all sick.  ALL FIVE AT ONCE. On top of that my three year old may have fractured his big toe in a fall and wants to be carried everywhere.  You can imagine the wreck my house is in and the state of my fridge, laundry room and mind.  When I am not well, we just don't work, the house doesn't work.  It's all about survival of the fittest.  I have been the sickest for the past week but it looks like I am passing the torch to my oldest son today poor guy.  To him the only upside is UNLIMITED POPSICLES!!!!!!

I have been trying to breath and fight the fever and chills for days.  My solution is to take hot baths multiple times.  I can't stand the chills.  So let me get to the point.  It involves my daughter who you see pictured in the dryer below:

Yeah, she does this.  Its her new cool activity.  I especially love that she takes the time to throw all my clean clothes out on the dirty floor, sometimes she even waits until they are actually dry before she dives in.  Have you ever lost a kid in your own house?  Well after I found her here she succeeded in another recent endeavor which is climbing on top of laundry baskets trying to get the attic cord and pull down the ladder.  She got it open and tried to climb, it buckled and she fell and knocked her head on some doorway molding.  Never a dull moment here.

So all this is going on and I still feel like something you find in my backyard near my obnoxious Golden, Maggie.  I get Doodle downstairs crying (her not me, I think.) I proceed to treat the bumped head with an Elmo icepack and of course Doodle being who she is, refuses to cooperate, I stop mid-sentence when trying to explain to her that though what I am doing and what she is going through are uncomfortable and she doesn't understand it - I actually am trying to help her and it will feel better if she will cooperate!  Her brain works different than most, having autism that is. She often gets herself  into jams and dangers that a typical (Or neurotypical -NT) kid would not.  Or maybe they would? But either way, I can't explain it to her in so many words.  I just can't   So I quit talking and just yelled "TRUST ME!"  And then it hit me . . .

God does this to me all the time.

He just can't explain all of my pain or all of this world's pain in a way that my brain can comprehend.  Now by saying that I don't mean He is not capable of doing it, I mean I am not equipped to understand every situation in life especially the more complex and painful ones like why is He letting my 92 year old Granddaddy exit this world in such a slow, painful and sad way? 

Why does it seem like the world is going insane with natural disasters right now?

Why do teenagers who don't want babies seem to come by them so damn easy and others of us have to wait 3 years and endure painful tests procedures, medications and miscarriages before we get our babies? 

These are big unanswerable questions.  For now.  But I believe there is a reason. That is my Faith.  And every time I come across one of them I will have to remind myself that He is silently pleading with me.

 

              " TRUST ME!   I know what's best.  It will all work out with a purpose for the good in the end.  Even if I can't explain it to you right now in a way you can understand or even need to understand.  I love you. Chill out."

Or something to that effect :)  Spare prayers for my sick, sick family please!  Have a good day and use hand sanitizer!

Finding God in Autumn

I am what is commonly referred to as a cradle Catholic,
(ie- since birth) and I am proud of that, though I do concede that converts have the upper hand, generally, when it comes to knowledge of the faith.  The rest of us got lazy.  I am always searching for God.  In my children's faces, in my thoughts, in nature, and in other people's words and actions. Sometimes I find it and sometimes I don't.  Sometimes it seems like the harder I try and figure out what God wants from me the less I learn.  He really is in the simple and the profound. 

Today I am in the mountains at my parents place.  It is absolutely B-E-A-U-tiful this afternoon, to quote a silly Jim Carrey character.  I adore the Fall, especially up here.  The kids had a Fall break so we decided to dash up here for a couple of days and I am so glad we did.  I find it easy to find God in the Autumn in the mountains. 

My parents blessedly allowed me to take a 20 minute walk this morning so I could get a break from the constant needs of five little people who don't sleep all that well away from home, last night being no exception.  It was cool and crisp but not too chilly, the leaves are still early in their transformation but still glorious.  It was the most quiet I have had in months.  It was so pretty and calm that I didn't even notice the constant ringing in my ears (I have tinnitus - joy.)

As I walked up the mountain road which looked like a cover from a John Denver album, the acorns roll-crunching under my feet.  I started thinking about God because its easy to do with out little people screaming for juice boxes, fruit snacks and shoes. It occurred to me that while I know logically He is there with us always whether we choose to see or acknowledge Him, I have a hard time feeling connected the way I want to.  But not today, today He is right here in front of me on this road, and beside me and within me.  Everyone should get the chance to feel this way.  The sunlight was doing a speckled dance through the leaves that cascaded in windfalls gently to the Earth.  I know this sounds very Hallmarkish and no I am not trying to win any writing awards I just want to give a true picture of what I experienced because it was so simple and profound at the same time and this is what I came up with -

 God orchestrated all of this morning as he orchestrates all of nature, the universe even. Did he set up a particularly beautiful experience for me at just the moment I walked out the door?  No, of course not.  It's all majestic because He is the Author, the Illustrator, the Ultimate Creator or everything that has ever existed or ever will including me and the thought that brings me to my knees whenever I get too bogged down with poor little me thoughts is that in His infinite majestic act of All Creation there was minute, or a millisecond when his thoughts and attention created ME. 

And He did the same for You.  Pretty amazing when you think about it that way.

Finally!! Saturday in the park (actually just my house but still good.) HBOT verdict

Referencing catchy old seventies song there and if you are too young to get that then you may find yourself bored with my blog - so be it :)  Stick around, you may find something humorous here, everyone welcome !

OK, so I actually have 5 occupied children at the moment and a husband who has gone hunting so I am in my pj's with coffee and a brain that is awake and actually got 7 STRAIGHT HOURS of SLEEP last night!!!!!!!  I still can't believe it!  I didn't even have to get up and you know . . .

Cool!  Sorry about all the exclamation points but a woman with newly found sleep + coffee + free time is a happy women.  I think there is a logarithmic correlation between caffeine and amount of exclamation points used in a post.

Back to the topic, I have a short video on the inside of the Hbot chamber to show you what it looks like and how it feels in case you are about to embark on your own similar journey or are just curious if you could stand it.  We had to wait about a month to finish our set of 20 dives and did so just this past Thursday.  Here it is.

That hissing sound you hear is the pressurized oxygen being pumped in to the inflatable chamber.

As I have said before, I have found I am claustrophobic, mildly so and found I could deal with it through taking Benedryl before each dive, saying the Rosary and generally begging God to get me through it.  I had one final episode of panic on the second to last dive which took me by surprise but the Dr. distracted and comforted me with a few tales of other people who had similar experiences but, according to her, were much more annoying than me!  (I think she was just being sweet :) )

My final verdict is a mixed one - sorry if you were hoping for a definitive, miraculous finale but that's life.

WOULD I DO IT AGAIN?

- Yes if I didn't know what I know now
-Yes if God came down and told me to
-Yes because I love my daughter SOOOO much
-Yes if there was some new development that required a different protocol which wasn't available to me such as update equipment, drugs to knock me out, etc.
-Yes if I was financially endowed (I would go for 20 more dives) not that I really want to so no don't offer to pay for it - I know you were thinking about it!
Yes because I can at least say to myself that I tried everything possible to help her and don't spend the rest of my life wondering - if I had only tried Hbot . . .

NO
- if I knew what I know now - that it was horribly uncomfortable, time consuming, expensive and only vaguely effective and in that who knows if her gains were made by the actual Hbot or by her natural development and maturation?

 By gains I'd say I have seen an emotional expansion in her, real emotions, real tears that were not caused by physical pain but by feelings of guilt over hurting her baby brother when she accidentally opened the fridge door on him and knocked him to the floor or fear of something she dreaded.  And of course that wonderful moment back in July when she said "I love you" to me out of no where for the first time in many years.

But that's the problem with nearly ALL autism "treatments."  Most are not scientifically documented and sound due to parents' desperation for any and all possible help they can provide there child and who are therefore quite vulnerable to charlatans and quackery of all types.  By the way, there is an extra hot spot in hell for people who practice this kind of demented money- making in my opinion!

I read something comforting recently about such parents (obviously I include myself in that category) : A book discussing autism therapies said that these parents, were not generally naive and unintelligent but educated and thorough in their research about the different treatments available.  True.  I actually do consider myself educated and well-researched, just don't ask me for help with anything to do with fixing a car, the stock-market or how to bring about world peace.

I am sorry this post is so long. I am just giddy with freedom this morning although it will soon end as I am currently allowing my kids to jump on a less than 100% safe trampoline (one side of the net is coming detached but hey, some people don't even use a net on theirs and I figure they must have really good insurance as I have recently discovered broken little-boy-arms cost TONS of money!  Not as a result from the trampoline jumping of course :) It was those darn old monkey bars.

On a final note: I can't actually say I wouldn't recommend giving  Hbot a try for your child - if you are wondering.  I really can't.  Why?  Because of the mystery of autism, what causes it, why it is becoming an epidemic, why there is such a wide spectrum of the affected, and a continued and general belief in miracles.  For those reasons I will not tell you NOT to try this therapy on your child.  Who am I to be the final judge? That said, do not mortgage your future away to do this, NO WAY.

Peace and God's love to you all always.  I need to get out of my pj's :)

Book Review : " Why God Matters "

Welcome to my humble blog  - Five Kids a Dog and a Blog.  If you are new here my writings are generally about my life with 5 kids, four of them being quadruplets, a daughter with autism and my Catholic faith.  Well its a big jumble O' stuff really.  I like to have fun and make fun of myself and other things but I will not be making fun of this book because I really liked it.

Today I am hosting my very first book review!  I love to read so when the offer came in my inbox I was intrigued.  When I saw the title it was a neat moment of hmm is this a coincidence?  I think not.  I had seen a blurb about this book somewhere recently and was thinking I would like to read it anyway.  Funny how that works out.  As I am newly trying to be extra frugal, getting to read a free copy was a nice little perk.

The book?  Oh I guess I should mention the title!  "Why God Matters - How to recognize him in daily life," is written by a father/daughter team- Deacon Steve Lubert and his daughter Karina Fabian.  I can only imagine that co-authoring a book on faith would have to bring a family closer even if it was hard work.  It is published by Tribute Books and is set up in fourteen chapters.  Each chapter has an essay on a particular faith issue followed by a short "Life Lesson."  The chapters are alternately penned by the deacon and his daughter.

I am immediately drawn to the familiar voice in the essays, that of a friend almost and I like the Life Lessons for their digestibility.  I know that is a strange choice of words for a book but it fits.

The writing style is quiet, simple and straight forward.  It does not lack depth but pulls you into the next chapter by not overwhelming you.  A chapter a night would be a good pace if you could hold yourself back, letting the lessons sink in and really finding how they apply to you.

The book quotes scripture as well as the Catechism of the Catholic Church, however this book appeals to a wide audience , its Christian at the core and as Christians we all believe in and love the same eternal Father, Son and Holy Spirit, no matter how we celebrate.

There are chapters on a variety of topics and the personal stories were my favorite as they added to the flavor of authenticity.  I just love this book because it doesn't make the reader feel stupid or bad about themselves!  Everyone has to walk their own faith walk.  No one can do it for you.  We all may hear the same words in the Bible, at mass or service but our life experiences are different as are the gifts bestowed on us by the Holy Spirit.  We truly are individuals created by God for a divine purpose.  I'ts up to us to spend our life working with God's grace to fulfill our task set before us.  I think this book will be an excellent tool for anyone who is struggling with that questions Why does God matter?

It is an encouraging book, warm and real and positive.  I do recommend "Why God Matters"

OK, now back to my less mature usual blog rantings - by the end of the weekend and maybe sooner I will post my final installment on my daughter's and my experiences in the Hyperbaric Oxygen chamber.  Also, does anyone out there care if I try to monetize my blog with ads?  I could use a little income and though this is a hobby I might as well try it see what happens.  If it's too annoying I will remove it.  Hey, have a great night and I will be back soon.

Dive #5

I couldn't believe it (yeah, really I could,) when today I woke up filled with the dread of going back to the chamber.  I have had a couple of decent dives now and am faced with the reality that its probably going to all be okay.  So I sucked it up and we went and it was fine except hotter than normal.  I kinda wish it was January?  That's saying something cause I really do not like winter, even in the south.

So all week I have been telling myself.  "If I live till Friday, I get to see Eclipse with my Sister in Law.  Yay!"  I made it and am just hours away from cinematic escape!  I loved the books and the movies are pretty good too.  So here comes my reward. 

I have one last thing to share which struck me as timely and interesting.  Don't you believe God is very subtle and succinct at times? Other times its more like a bullhorn but this is what I read on the dog-eared page that I turned to in a book I brought into the chamber during those first harrowing moments of the first dive.  Keep in mind I haven't looked at this book in at least 6 months but had popped it in my bag to keep me company.  It's called The Power of a Positive Mom.  By Karol Ladd.  Its a wonderful book, well written and nondenominational in the best way.
     "Norwegian Christian author O. Hallesby referred to prayer as the "breath of the soul".  He wrote:

The air which our body requires envelopes us on every hand.  The air of itself seeks to enter our bodies and, for this reason, exerts pressure upon us . . . The air which our souls need also envelopes all of us at all times and on all sides.  God is round about us in Christ on every hand, with His many-sided and all sufficient grace.  All we need to do is to open our heart.  Prayer is the breath of the soul, the organ by which we receive Christ into our parched and withered hearts . . .As air enters in quietly when we breathe, and does its normal work in our lungs, so Jesus enters quietly into our hearts and does His blessed work there."

Could there have been a more subtle bullhorn?  I am humbled that he took time out of his busy universe to see my tiny speck of sand body cowering in the stupid tube and answer my prayers for comfort that first morning by directing my eyes to that very passage.  Cool.  Have a great weekend I will be back on Monday morning for dive #6.  Go team Jacob!!  I actually like them both ;)

HBOT dive #2 . . .a wonderful surprise

Well, I survived dive 2 with the help of Benedryl.  Apparently it does indeed take the edge off.  I also avoided my full caffeine intake this morning as I didn't need any extra help in the heart racing department.  I tried visualizing before I went in and more prayers of course.  The biggest help was bringing my ipod with a few new songs.  I was going to load it with the exact number of minutes of music so I would be able to track time but I had about 40 min on there and that was fine.  I let Doodle borrow it and it kept her occupied a good 15 minutes.  She especially likes Justin Bieber's "Baby" and I do too.  I do not care who knows it.  He is adorable and that makes some people want to hurl but I love it. 

Doodle kept me calm.  It was amazing.  As long as she laid still and played with my phone or a book I felt relaxed but when she started to sing or kick from boredom I started feeling the panic return though much milder than yesterday's experience.  I also found that if I covered my eyes with my arm and couldn't see the ceiling of the chamber, I was okay.  Sitting still helps the heat to not build up to bad. 
Speaking of the word CHAMBER.  What an awful word to use in this situation!!  Its like calling it a Hyperbaric COFFIN or DUNGEON.  Why didn't they name it the Hyperbaric fun tube or the HB Oh boy!  Sheesh, who wants to lock themselves in a CHAMBER that doesn't suck blood?  Me that's who.

I haven't decided if I will post a video daily or intermittently yet.  But here is the really wonderful surprise.  After the dive we had to go straight to her psychologist for ABA therapy (I will fill you in on that soon.)  She did so great today the Dr asked me what we did differently because Doodle was so calm and cooperative.  CALM and COOPERATIVE.  I don't think anyone has ever used those two words together to describe my daughter during one of her many therapy sessions.  That is mini miracle #1  But not the wonderful surprise.  The surprise is . . .

We were sitting in the waiting line at the pharmacy drive thru in the silence no dvd, no radio, no talking and out of the blue she says to me "I love you" 
You have to understand that she hasn't said that to me in 2 or 3 YEARS and never on her own.  It was always echoed.  Boy, what a reward for all I'm going through.  If you have never had a kid who couldn't tell you they love you you probably won't understand how it felt, or maybe you can imagine it.  I don't know but it's like hearing you've won the lottery.  Really.  That's all for today.  Stay tuned and thanks for your many prayers.

A few thoughts on Hbot dive #1

Well, we did it.  We dove.  It.  Was.  Awful for me that is.  She had no problems until it got hot and muggy about half way through.  Then she was bored and hot and started to fidget.  But back to the beginning.  Unbelievably I had quite an experience.  It started out ok.  I am not panicky.  I have never had claustrophobia, I ride roller coasters and am not skittish.  I had a mini freak out when the Dr. zipped it shut.  Its cylindrical in shape and about 7 feet long so we had room to lay down or sit up.  it has to inflate and that takes 5 min and it makes your ears pop like when you drive up in the mtns.  Not uncomfortable though.  I had to turn around and look out the vinyl window to see the Dr and I just thought "I can't do this, I won't be able to get out.!"  Terror welled up inside me as well as panic and guilt because I paid a lot for this (we are skipping our summer vacation at the beach) and I love her and want to be able to bear anything to help her, even my own discomfort.  The shame of losing momentary control was immense.  It was mostly in my head thankfully, I didn't scream but I did insist she unzip the chamber and let me stick my head out and think for a second.  She said it happens sometimes but most always with the parents, the kids are fine.  And that was true.  Doodle thought it was funny.  She happily read books most of the time, or laid in my lap.
 I psyched myself up and told the Dr we would try again.  I laid down and did the only thing I could think of that might help.  I prayed.  I started saying the Rosary.  Now I am Catholic and that may be foreign to some of you but let me tell you - if you have ever been in a moment of intense fear and have nothing to cling to but prayer it helps to have something repetitive or meditative to say because you can't find the words that may be in your heart or head at the moment.  Just get yourself to that place of peace that surpasses human understanding as fast as possible.  I hate to sound dramatic.  I certainly don't live my normal life like this but I want to be honest about this whole process and this is really what happened.  It worked, I asked God and Virgin Mary to calm me and Pauli and to get me through it for her sake.  I was able to have my phone in with me and that helped. I could call my husband, a friend or the Dr in the next room. 

I started reading, time went by.  It felt good and relaxing for a while.  Then it began to be oppressively hot and sticky due to the pressure.  I had a small fan but I directed it at her to keep her cool mostly.  She got bored and agitated.  I started panicking again . . . I thought "She is going to flip out and want to get out, I wonder if she is feeling what I felt at the beginning?"  I had to get out.  I prayed again, harder and slowly the panic subsided. I imagined a clock in my head counting down the time.  Theoretically I knew we were safe and that there would be an end soon.  But what did she think?  Did she think we would never get out again?  I can only imagine what she thought as she has never been able to tell me more than "sad" or "mad" and that has been very very recently.  I hate autism.  I hate it.

So I had an epiphany of sorts.  I always thought people who freak out about enclosed MRI's were kinda wimpy and needed to get over it.  My own mom had to have relaxing medication to get through it.  The Dr. told me to take a Benedryl before coming in tomorrow.  It hit me - my sister Becky, who passed last year, took a Benedryl every day of her life along with other medications like Zanax. She had panic attacks and phobias her whole life.  God I had been so unsympathetic!!  How could I be so harsh on her??  I am so sorry Becky.  I get it now.  I will never judge someone for their phobias again. I get it now.  You have zero control over it and can't talk yourself out of it.  Its a physical and psychological thing.  I get it now.  Wish I had understood then.  I'm sorry . . .