Saturday, September 14, 2013

My mama bear is a bit on the red neck side . . .

Photo credit: kevin dooley / Foter / CC BY
***P C Disclaimer***
I do not mean to offend anyone ever at all but it may happen sooooo,
If you live in a trailer park, like trailer parks or aspire to live in a trailer park one day I am sorry if I offend you.  But hey, trailer parks are just funny in general aren't they?

All you mothers out there, have you met your mama bear?  She comes in handy.  She is the one that comes running when your kid needs help and you don't have time to think and this is a good thing.  She can save your kid's life, spare them pain, keep them from getting hurt or taken advantage of.  Just as nature intended, MB is an evolutionary masterpiece, oh crap did I just offend creationists with my use of the word evolutionary?  There is no way to be expressive and mildly humerous without offending someone . . .

See how annoying it is to be a people-pleaser?  Just saying that makes me want to throw up a little bit or atleast do the gag me sign like I frequently do to my kids when they tell me what stupid cutesy thing some pre teen snotty pants said at school that hurt their feelings that day.  People pleasing is for the birds and as I am now in my forties I am thankfully starting to leave it behind but its still hangs around and pops up now and then.  Hey guess what?  My momma was right when she said  over and over to me as I grew up "Everybody doesn't have to like you Bonnie."  True mom and I am sure they do not.  But seriously, I am not that bad am I?  (crickets)

So I woke up angry and that is unusual for me.  I am more of a morning person, coffee helps, but I have always been able to pop up with somewhat of a smile. When I woke up I remembered the dream I just had and it involved a mish mash of events surrounding my daughters at school this week.  Aformentioned pre teen snotty pants (PTSP from here out) had done something oh btw there are quite a few of them, and it hurt one of my girls as she often gets hurt by kids that don't understand her unique personality.  So I start daydreaming about what I would do and say if only it wouldn't get me arrested.  You can't tell off PTSP because it would get you in a heap of trouble.  I discovered what my mama bear wanted to do, what she always wants to do involves the bubbling up of just under the surface trailer park- potty mouth, uneducated venomous spew.  I never let her out of the cage so she gets p***ed off.  But she is most definitely nasty. 

I have dreamed of unleashing her on a teacher or coach here and there but having been a teacher and coach and actually on the receiving end of a REAL LIVE TRASHY momma bear or two, I relent.  It doesn't feel good.  It isn't Christian.   It's tacky and hurtful to people who may or may not deserve it.  Make no mistake - she is there inside most of us and she is a bit of a redneck even though I grew up in the suburbs of ATL.  I am so grateful to have kind-hearted kids, no they are far from perfect but they would never ever intentionally set someone else up to look foolish in front of her classmates.   I know this for a fact because I made it a point to teach them this, you have to.

Hey, have a great weekend people.  I will tuck my MB back in her cage and lock her up tight once again.  Probably she will get unleashed on some poor sweet nurse next time I am under anesthesia.  Gotta let her vent sometimes right? 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Prayers and ketchup packets

I have been reading a lot lately.  That is not an earth-shattering revelation, I realize.  I have been reading a lot about my faith and history and politics (OK just a little here) and religion in general, the Bible, family history all kinds of things really.  I felt like I need a kick in the grow-up-improve-yourself-learn-more-about-the world you live in and what you believe pants.  I got tired of trying to find the hyphen key (you know how I hate that key.)  I also think I have just been away from education too long.  I loved college and loved teaching (not necessarily BEING a teacher, just the actual teaching part which is about 20% of the job.)

So you know how it is when you get to reading this kind of stuff and you think, I should be doing that! or why am I not good at that? And then you're like- crap I stink at everything I have ever done, said or attempted to do or say and I need to just scrap my whole personality and start over. . . such is the dangers of the Internet, pinterest, books, etc.  Deep breath.

I read people's blogs with their flowery articulate prose and think . . . I say things like crap on my blog, no one is ever going to accuse me of being a literary genius.  Still, I have something to offer its just written in more of a layman's style.  So I was thinking about prayer and how I always pray but my prayers are like those little annoying ketchup packets - I just tear and squirt over and over all day.  Pretty shallow shout outs to the Almighty about whatever is on my frontal lobe at the moment. No time for depth.  I can't wax poetic to the creator of the universe for several reasons :

1. Nothing I say is going to impress him as far as beautiful language goes - remember he made well, everything so seriously, He is not impressed by big words.

2.  I am beginning to think my daughter inherited her ADD from me - I can't keep one train of thought for more than a few seconds.  I can't cross a room with one task in mind without detouring at the first sight of another task and then arrive on other side of room with it still in my brain.  Now, what was I saying?

3.  He already knows what I am thinking so I don't want to bore Him with redundancy.  Yes that makes me thoughtful doesn't it?  I know some of you keep a prayer list and we tend to ask about the same things over and over so I tend to say "Refer to list - thanks Amen" if I am in a super hurry.

SIDE NOTE:  Don't you moms agree that the invention of those new super-sized ketchup packets at places like CFA are a God-send?  No pun intended.  You know what I mean if you have small children who like healthy things like french fries - no I never would feed my babies such a thing ahem.  I meant all you who do let your kids eat them and they aren't able to get the packets torn with their chubby small fingers so you have to do it like 15 times before you can eat your own fries which are now cold and soggy (but you eat them anyway for some weird reason.)  The big packets are the BOMB!

I guess my point in all this rambling is to encourage you, myself and anyone who has ever wondered about praying or felt guilty for not praying enough or with the right words.  He doesn't even need words, just a nod in his direction, just an acknowledgement of His greatness and your feebleness, just a connection that lets you both know that your relationship is important and your connection is still there.  I hate to admit this but sometimes when things are going weirdly wrong , which they often do at this house, I just turn my eyes up and say "seriously?"  I think that is a prayer that might give Him a chuckle.  I have to believe the Lord has the best sense of humor of all.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

We are in the armpit of winter

Ok so I know I have publicly declared that I don't like complainers a time or two and this will make me look a bit hypocritical but so be it - its my turn.  You see I keep most of my complaints building up and up because no matter what you have to say - no one really cares about what irritates you so there is little sense in unloading it on even the most sympathetic friend. 

However, It is January 30th and as far as I am concerned we are in the armpit of winter, my least favorite, most gloomy, farthest away from summer and holidays part of the year and well I pretty much hate it.  So from here on out I vow to unleash my complaints upon the world every January 30th.  I mean you can't even say at least tomorrow is a new month because there is yet another day in January to endure!  Sheesh!

So be forewarned my litany follows:

I can't stand:

1. Drivers who can't stay in their own fricken fracken lane - they drift from side to side and try to take what is yours.  Stay in your lane dude!!

2.  Gray days that are humid and go on forever in JANUARY.

3.  When I buy a two liter of a diet soda and its already flat as soon as I open it.  Everyone knows diet sodas are only good because the extra carbonation burns your eyes when you drink it and distracts you from the fact that they taste pretty crappy and are chock full of chemicals.

4.  email addresses that use the underscore key.  I mean wth?  Its hard to find and hard to use and you always end up hitting the hyphen key first because you can't tell the difference between the two!

5. email addresses that are cutesy or full of self-importance like  or

6.  elementary school homework assignments that make me feel dumb when I am trying to help my kids.  Bring me the high school stuff PLEASE!

7.  Blog posts that contain to many exclamation points!!!!!! Not everything is worthy of that much excitement!!!

8.  People who like to rub their youth and athletic ability in your face who are in their 20's and like to do toe touches in your cardio class.  So WHAT LADY!? WHEN YOU ARE 41 AND SOMEONE DOES THAT IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE THE CLASS AND MAYBE BURN OFF A CHEESEBURGER - IT WILL P$$ YOU OFF TOO.  I would say I can't wait for the day but by then I will be in my 60's so lets not rush things.

9.  Women who over accessorize - you are trying too hard.

10.  Lazy people- and whiny children. 

11.  Children with bad manners.

12.  Kids in the neighborhood who are mean to my kids (and also have bad manners.)

13. Adults with bad manners - please quit picking at your arm acne in front of me or I will hurl. Also, if you and I are trying to get to the same door at the same time - the person coming OUT  of the building should go first but in general I step aside no matter which direction I am headed.

14. People who let their kids play with tablets and nintendoes in church?!  Does that make me judgmental???  Don't come whining about why your kids don't go to church anymore as teenagers or adults if you do this.

15. People who whine about their awesome healthy typical children.  Kids are annoying to every parent at some point but some people have actual real problems with their children like depression, drug problems, ADHD, autism or physical handicaps and those parents tend to handle day to day life better with bigger problems to deal with.  Perspective - look it up.

16.  People who go to work sick and cough all over everyone - STAY HOME you are not so important that the world will not run without you there for a couple days.

17. People who see you heading for the short lane at check out and then walk faster to get there before you - seriously??

18.  When neighbor kids come over and smush their dirty hands and faces on the windows in the door that you spent 30 minutes cleaning today.

19. Blobs of toothpaste on the sink.  Wipe. It. UP.

20. Drawers that are halfway shut with a piece of a t shirt hanging out.

21. skinny people who dont work out

22. When my kids suddenly realize I am not in the same room with them and must find me for no reason, no matter where I am in the house, including the bathroom.

23.  People who stand at the only Redbox kiosk and scroll through for 10 minutes trying to decide what they want when there is an obvious line forming.  Just flippin pick something man.

I must quit. I must quit.  I need a drink.  Have a super sparkly day y'all :)