Friday, April 15, 2011

A Becky-shaped void . . .Two Years have past.

There are no words - seriously what would you say anyways?
Whoa Nellie, would you look at that superb fashion sense?  I mean does it get any better than the polyester and and sweat pants (with new boots you fortunately can't see.)  This photo was taken in the late 70's. . . but I am guessing you figured that out already.

There are three people in the picture who are no longer with us, two obviously being my Grandma and Grandpa Betancourt and the third being my older sister in the rockin blue sweat suit.  I am the much cooler one on the far right.

I miss them all but my grandparents have been gone for 10 and 20 years and lets face it, they would both be about to turn 101 if they were still here.  Not that I wouldn't give anything to still have them around.  Miss em and love em always.  My grandpa was a bad @** in his time, especially for a short dude.  My grandma was hard working, loving and kind and put up with- well- him.  To give you an idea of his personality - he used to walk around singing "Oh Lord its hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way.  When you can't wait to look in the mirror, cause you get better lookin' each day."  Yes he did.

Halloween in very cool, unGreen, plastic costumes with masks that will kill you because you can't see out of the sweaty eyeholes
 But the person this post is about is my sister Becky, who passed away two years ago today.  I still can't believe she is gone.  I still laugh at something and think I need to call her and tell her because she had a great sense of humor and would laugh at everything.  I still think of her first when I need an emergency babysitter who will work super cheap.  I still want to tell her to get her smack together and have the great life she deserves.  I still wish I could turn back time and tell her "Yes, I will drive 30 minutes to come and get you and take you to the post office so you can copy some insurance papers and mail them since your car was in an accident, even though I am 7 months pregnant with my fifth child and I have three kids in one preschool and one in another who will get out at noon."    I said no and that was probably the last thing she asked me for help with before she died.  I am not sure I will ever forgive myself even though it was a justified no.  It was still a no.

It has been two years and every three weeks since she passed I go on my Blackberry and resave her last voice mail message to me.  It was sent about three weeks before the end.  It was nothing special and that is what is so great about it.  Of course she probably wanted something because she rarely called or returned calls the last year, but it was not a sad message or dramatic, just normal.  If I listen to it I can pretend for just a few moments that she is here still.  Just 30 minutes away, not an eternity away.  Probably at my brother's house because she liked him better than me, no really and I don't blame her.  He is more fun than a barrel of monkeys and didn't lecture her as much as I did.  I was full of This-is-what-you-need-to-do-to-get-your-life-in-order advice which she never listened to but acted like she did so I would shut the bleep up.

I just wanted her to be happy.  But you can't force someone to be happy.  And you can't fix them. Or change them.  You can only love them for who they are. All crap included.  She accepted mine that's for sure.  I wonder if I will ever not feel that empty part of my otherwise joy-filled life.  There is a Becky shaped void that will probably go unfilled forever.  I am so glad to know she is with our kind and merciful Father, or close to it (sorry, but I am Catholic.)

 She is free. She is free from all of it.  All the horrible stuff of the world.  The traffic, the noise, pollution, mental illness, drugs, things that smell bad, being overweight and ill-treated for it, anxiety, being used by people she thought were her friends, confusion, disappointment and disillusionment and most of all the self-loathing we all have at times but she lived with in huge segments of her life.  Also, she hated mean people and did I mention things that smell bad?  In her case that would be cheese.  She hated the smell of cheese.

The Fab Four doing popcorn and Walt Disney on a Sunday night 70's style

If you were here today Beck, I would hug you and sit on the deck drinking beer while you played your guitar. But first I would lock the kids in the house because they would get on my nerves which is why I need the beer and then we would argue about politics and religion and who worked out more this week.  We would laugh at some dumb old joke or something Mom said (sorry Mom, but you do say funny things!) and then finally I would let the five out to run in the yard and you would laugh and say "I gotta go  now, its tough being single with no responsibilities at home."  Or something like that.

Becky playing guitar - I have no idea who that random guy is?

For now I will have to be content with your message on my phone or listening to your Cds.  At least I have that but it really isn't much.  It isn't enough but it doesn't matter. How do you fill the place of a person who was one of kind?

1 comment:

  1. sorry for your loss. wonderfully written post.